Monday, September 15, 2014
Monthly Post - Where Am I?
Where Am I?
I woke up in a mysterious jungle feeling quite confused, it was very sunny and cloudy. The jungle was beautiful and bright green, there were a lot of living things there. For example, there were tree frogs, snakes, silver back gorillas, and even dangerous dragons. The thing is, is that I didn't know if it was dangerous or not.
Then, I started checking the place out to see if it was okay or not. It turned out that the forest was dangerous. I ran into a big, harry, mean silver back gorilla. After that he nudged me off a thousand foot cliff. Surprisingly I survived, because the sand at the bottom caught me. I know you're thinking sand can't catch me from a thousand foot drop? At that moment, when I was falling I thought that I was going to die.
I must have hit my head really hard, because then I was in a dry desert. There was nothing there but sand and camels. It was so hot and humid. I looked up at the cliff and I didn't see anything. So I jumped on a camel and said go, but then something really weird happened, the camel spoke. It startled me so much that I was laughing. You usually don't laugh when you are startled, but I guess I did. So we went on and on talking about random stuff, in fact I even think I told him about my gorilla incident.
So we went on and on until, we got to this huge sand castle made out of moist sand. Obviously we went inside, then we sat down, "This doesn't feel right," I exclaimed. "You're right," said Barkley the camel. "It's the smell, but not just that it feels like someone is in here," I muttered. "Again you're right," said Barkley. So we checked the place out. Then we found a disco room with "Just Dance 4" in it. We played on that for a while until someone shouted, "Hey, what are you doing in here?" We didn't know what to say but then we told him that we were lost. I introduced myself and my talking camel named Barkley! The guys name was Jay and he was a professional sand castle builder. (I thought that was pretty obvious because he was so good at it!) After that he said he was upstairs getting ready for a party at his friends sand castle right next door. (It didn't cross my mind that the huge castle was actually two big castles.)
After he was finished getting ready he invited us to the party. I asked him is that would be okay with the owner and he said "Of course!" We headed over there and when we opened the doors I was thinking the party was going to have bright lights and loud pop music, but boy was I wrong! It was a sand castle building party! (What the heck!!!) When we walked in I asked him where the bathroom was and he said upstairs. So Barkley and I went up the long stairs that just seemed like they would never stop!
Suddenly, I heard this really annoying, "Beep, beep." My alarm clock woke me up. I was shocked that it was my dream, it felt so realistic! Then I told my mom what happened and she said that I was crazy, and she didn't know what I was talking about. So I explained again. She said that she had heard enough, and that I had lost my mind. I said she was probably right, so much for that!
Finally, I told my dad, and he understood, but why didn't my mom understand? I just think my dad's a dreamer? I have always wanted my mom to be a dreamer. I think she takes it after her mom and dad. I am not going to let her take my dream away, literally. Anyway, I went and told my brothers, and after I told them they said that they wish they had marvelous dreams like that.
All as I know is that it was a dream, thank goodness. Lets all hope no one gets stranded in a desert, or a jungle like I did. My dad said he once had a dream like that. He didn't have the same dream as me but it was close. He had a hilarious dream. That would be impossible, and crazy if he had the same dream as me. I think I am a dreamer just like my dad.
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Interesting story!
ReplyDeleteA few suggestions though.
Whenever you say the species of an animal like the silver back gorilla, you should make sure to properly capitalize the words that make up its names. For example, silver back gorilla would be Silver-Back Gorilla, if I'm right.
Also, when you are using quotations, you don't need a comma at the end of the quote unless it is words being spoken. I noticed this when you put 'Then we found a disco room with "Just Dance 4," in it.' that there was a quotation mark at the end of "Just Dance 4". Because this is not a spoken phrase, it doesn't need the extra comma.
Keep up the good work!
Thanks so much I will start to work on that!!! Thank you.
DeleteI thought that was a very good and detailed story. I think maybe you could work a little on the background info like where the author thinks he was before he got to this strange place. I think you did a very good job!
ReplyDeleteThank you Baylee that means a lot and I will try to work on that!
DeleteNice job Lucy!
ReplyDeleteI loved your story. It was very detailed and well written. I agree with Baylee, that you should work on the background info a little bit more. I would also put a little bit more detail in where the author and camel go and explore the sand castle. Maybe what it looked like, so the reader can visualize it more. Besides that, great job!!
Thanks Audrey I will try to work on that!
DeleteAwesome story! I Thought it was very creative and interesting. Could you describe the camel's voice? Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteThank you, and I was also wondering if i should name it or not do you have any suggestions?
DeleteVery entertaining! I loved it! Maybe if you could add a little more details on the animal characters that would be great. Even if you were to give them names that would be great. Keep up that adventure theme I like it!
ReplyDeleteOkay thank you so much!!!!
DeleteExcellent writing Lucy! This is a fun piece and I am loving your imagination. Really strong and helpful comments to help you take this to the next level. In addition to the comments above (and, you are right about the animal capitalization thing), how about playing around with the ending, exploring other possibilities other than a dream?
ReplyDeleteOkay I see where you are going, and know that you say that I look back and I think that would be a great idea!!! Thank you!!!!!!
DeleteLucy I really liked how you put details into your story. I could picture it in my mind so well. If you could fix something it would be run on sentences. The second sentences in you story is a run on sentence. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteOkay thank you Sierra I will work on that!!!
DeleteFunny and creative! Captivated me from the start. From silver back gorillas to talking camels, the fun never stops! However, it is sort of choppy and stretched. But besides that, amazing work!
ReplyDeleteThanks Shade that means a lot and also I will try to work in that!
DeleteGood job Lucy! I liked all your creativity! The only thing that i would work on is your details on your characters and the details on the place that your at. I think that you should have maybe explained what types of animals were in the sand castle building contest and what it looked like and sounded like! But besides that you did awesome!!
ReplyDeleteThanks Annie I will try to work on that!!!
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