BAYERN MUNICH
Did you hear about how Bayern Munich won the champions league. If not then I am going to tell you in this short paragraph on what the teams names were and what the scores to the game were. The team that they were playing was a team called Manchester City. They are a very good team but i think that Bayern Munich is better. The score to the game was 2-1 Bayern Munich. It made me feel like i was on top of the world. But then the next game they lost. That is my paragraph about Bayern Munich.
You did a good job but i think you should make it a little longer and be more descriptive.
ReplyDeleteNice start Carrson!
ReplyDeleteMaybe try to be a little bit more descriptive about Bayern Munich. Also, maybe add a part 2, and explain more about Bayern. Other than that, nice job! :)
You need to put a question mark after that first question/sentence other than that love the way you connected the different subjects in the story
ReplyDeleteVery good! the only thing I would change is that you don't need to tell us your going to write a paragraph about the team. you can just ask us the question then start your paragraph. but great job! Can't wait for next post.
ReplyDeleteGood job Carrson! I like that you described the teams and the game scores. One thing you might want to look into is putting in a few more adjectives. Also, you might want to describe a few more actions that took place in the game and some past experience that made this team your favorite. You also might want to look into some of those capitalization errors. Great job. I wait to see more!
ReplyDeleteI'm rather impressed by the good feedback from your fellow writers and I'd echo their advice. You are off to a good start but I need to see a lot more detail and description. Remember to always capitalize "I" and never announce what your paragraph is about. I don't know a lot about soccer-explain it in a way that would make sense to someone who didn't know and get them interested in the game! Best of luck, I'll look forward to your revised paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI love it Carson!!!! It could use more description and information. But other than that I love it!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDelete