Have you ever thought when you've been back?
The state of bearing in mind.
Something that "comes to you."
Or when an awkward moment has hit.
The best memory you've ever experienced?
Memories to me are thoughts that I look back at.
My favorite memory is my first national dance competition,
When I walked in the room and the superabundant energy
Exploding with excitement through the roof!
Now that is just my favorite memory.
But remember one thing:
Remember you are who you are,
Don't change to be someone else,
Don't let other people judge you.
Be you. The real you.
-Shayli Habibian
I love where you are going with this. Interesting subject with good, strong examples. I'd suggest using more detail and description. What did it feel like to walk into the national dance competition, what colors did you see, what sounds, what smells? Think like a reader and add words to really paint a picture in your reader's head:) Keep up the good work! I'm looking forward to seeing where this will go!
ReplyDeleteNice job Shay!!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Mrs. Robins, try to be a little bit more descriptive. Maybe try using some similes and metaphors to paint a picture in the readers' head. You did an especially great job with the last stanza, I loved it! I love where your going! Great job! :)
Shayli, I really liked your post. Good Job! You are an excellent writer! I don't have any suggestions for you! Keep up the great work!
ReplyDeleteGood job Shayli I really liked it it was amazing
ReplyDeleteGreat Job, Shayli. I loved how you described it!!!
ReplyDeleteI really liked the adjectives and how you used them that was amazing
ReplyDeleteit is good i think that you might want to make it a little longer.
ReplyDeleteGreat job! I really liked it there is only one thing I would suggest and that is to be more descriptive.
ReplyDelete