The Pill
The sounds sting and burn her ears. It gives her an unbearable headache. Kaylin's hip length blonde brown hair feels like it is suffocating her just like a snake. She quickly looks over at her friend Lisa in panic and and tries to say something but nothing comes out. At that moment, Lisa knew that Kaylin didn't take her pill. The pill was necessary. You had to take it once a day, and this was because the earth had been polluted so much that if you didn't take the pill, you would die. Not only that but you would get taken away and you wouldn't get heard from ever again. Some legends say that if you spend more than one minute breathing in the polluted air without the pill, it gives you "abilities" and that's why they took you away. Kaylin's body starts to become numb, and she starts to fade away into a deep sleep. Her eyelids become heavier, and she cant keep them up anymore. Lisa tries to help, but before she can get to Kaylin, a staff memeber from the school runs up, grabs her by the arm, and drags her into the office.
Her eyes open quickly, and she instantly notices shhe isnt in the office anymore. She isnt even at school. It was dark, and the only light source came from a tiny light bulb that kept flikering. Kaylin was strapped down to a chair and her hands and legs were tied with ropes. Kaylin closes her eyes and in that instant she has a vision. A vision of how it was before all of this happened. Before the world got polluted and when the trees were green, and when there was grass and birds chirping and flying around happily. It ended when she opened her eyes again. In panic Kaylin tried to escape but it was no use. The door opens and she sees and tall skinny lady with long black hair and beautiful long eyelashes. She is wearing all black and red heels. She looks like she might be the same age as Kaylin. Maybe around seventeen or eighteen. She walks swiftly next to her smiling as if nothing was wrong. She grabs a chair and pulls it up the the chair that she is sitting in. "Kaylin my dear" She says in a kind and gentle voice. " How could you do this? You know that bad things can happen when you don't take the pill" she said but this time her voice sounded like it was getting angry. " I know and I won't do it again I promise" Kaylin said in a shaky voice. The lady responded in a whisper voice " Well now it's to late. You are one of us"
I thought it was really good! I liked the descriptions of the different characters, but maybe add a little more detail to the vision along with a couple more adjectives in the writing other than that it was pretty good!
ReplyDeletehmmmm... the ending was very good I'll give you that, it added suspense to anything that you would write next about it, but the entire thing was kind of rushed, as if you started a little bit into the chapter of a book and only read us two paragraphs. Other than that you did great.
ReplyDeleteThis was really good, with excellent description. You did rush it a bit and there is a few spelling and punctuation errors in the second paragraph that I noticed. Beside that it was very well done!
ReplyDeleteThe description was really REALLY good. But, I did see some spelling and punctuation errors throughout. Overall, good writing, I really enjoyed it.
ReplyDeleteGreat job, I really like how you described what she felt. There were a few spelling errors. For example: in the second paragraph, in isn't, there should be a apostrophe in between the n and t. Besides that is was write writing, keep it up!
ReplyDeleteNice work! This is one of your strongest pieces to date. I loved the dystopian theme--you took the idea of a pill (like in the Giver) and flipped it into something entirely new. I loved the twist. This is a compelling story and I'd love to see it fleshed out into something more. Well done!!
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