A Faerie New Girl
The new school year had just began and Jaylie had just been accepted as the new student body president at Vularie High School. One responsibility that came with that title was welcoming new students to the school. One girl who particularly stood out to her had just been welcomed in that morning. Breena Treewater. She was very beautiful and her hair was so blond with green highlights sprouting from her scalp. One thing off about her was that her skin had some what of a light green completion as well. She still looked like she had never had a skin break out in her life. Honestly she looked like a model that fell off the face of a magazine. The one thing that interested her most was that she was wearing a thick cardigan that draped down her back as if she were carrying a curtain behind her, and it was the middle of the Summer! That's when her suspicion began.
The next couple of school weeks went on as normal except that Breena had every single boy in school hovering over her every hour in school. Even though she now was most popular girl in school she wasn't really the brightest or most active. Even though she claims that she is this big time athlete. A dancer to be exact, and that she goes so many hours that she got a note from her dance coach, that she doesn't need P.E or any other physical activity that involves either getting changed or physical disturbances. Everyone of the girls in the school thought that it was pathetic. All the boys couldn't care less. She was like a goddess that they all couldn't keep their eyes off of.
Fall eventually came and to make things even more strange, Breena became tan! Like the kind of spray tan that you get to go to the beach for a week. That was when Jaylie couldn't hold her curiosity back. So she made it her mission to find out the lifestyle of Breena Treewater. She followed her to the edge of town to the Milaby Forest that went on for miles. Then she disappeared into the exquisite beauty of the trees. Jaylie ran into the same place to where she had vanished. Then, the truth soared down from the trees and landed right in front of her. Breena was a faerie.
It was a pretty good story, the way you were enthusiastic and how you expressed the characters feeling was really good. There isn't many things you need to work on except maybe changing what sentences should and shouldn't be combined with a comma. Other than that it was great.
ReplyDeleteExcellent description! There was no obvious errors that I caught except you might want to edit some of the sentences. Many of them don't need to be combined with another sentence.
ReplyDeleteGreat Job! I love the way you said that the blond highlights sprouted from her scalp. You might want to watch the run on sentences connected by a coma, but other than that it was great. I can't wait to read the continued story. Amazing!!!!
ReplyDeleteThey was so good! I like your idea of her being a fairy. You had a few sentences that you may want to fix. But other than that, that was really good. Good job!!!
ReplyDeleteGood job. The story a lot . I would add a few more details about high school in the forest but other than that great job .
ReplyDeleteGreat job! It was very detailed and I could really imagine it in my head. The only thing i can think of that you would need to fix is the run on sentences.
ReplyDeleteGreat job Sophie! That was a very wonderful story and I want to keep reading! The only correction I can think of is in the sentence about her hair you could say her hair was "very" blond not "so" blond. And tell us more detail of the forest! Otherwise really good writing!!
ReplyDeleteI am a sucker for a good Faerie story! Loved this one--it sounds like the beginning of a popular YA novel! Excellent writing, you are on to something with this one:) Such an interesting and unique way to portray modern faeries. I'll look forward to see more!
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