Once upon a time there was a dog named Bob, Bob was a nice dog, he liked his name, well.. he liked everything so he is a happy Bob. HE had a friend named Joe the dog and he liked soup. He and Joe were best friends they did everything together. One day they were just chilling in Bob's backyard and drinking bean and bacon soup with toast, then something poked it's head around the corner and wam they got hit in the head and their soup was all gone, they were mad about that. But who dognaped them you ask? It was the
EL POLO LOCO INDIANS, those Indians were freaking psycho path. The Indians were trying to get rid of every dog in the world, they started with Bob and Joe.
The indians thought that they could drop Bob and Joe off in the dessert and they could find their way home.... IF THEY COULD. So that's what they did, but Bob and Joe thought it was the dessert you eat, not the life threatening dessert that kills people. So Bob and Joe were happy to eat their way out of the (dessert). When they got there they freaked out and started crying because there was no dessert. The Indians kicked them out of the dogmobile, said bye, and left, just like that....
THE
END
Good job. I like how you used capitals for excitement. However, watch out for run-on sentences. For example: In the first sentences you should use periods, instead of commas. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteMatt I like it but you maybe could have added just a little more information but it was very good.
ReplyDeleteNice touch with the bean and bacon soup--totally my favorite when I was a kid. I like the fun, adventurous tone but the story felt really rushed and there isn't a whole lot of detail or description, it's hard to picture. As you revise, focus on adding detail and descriptions so your reader can feel like they are watching it happen:) Thanks Quig!
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