Monday, March 30, 2015

March Blog Post- Audrey Godfrey

  The Syringe
It was a normal night for Addison. She was at a mutual activity at her local church for church. The youth were gathered in the rec room and were enjoying some refreshments, made by their leaders. The boys were sort of gathered at one end, talking about the usual boy stuff. Sports, girls, the horrible math sub that gave them two pages of homework! Two! It was horrible. Then the girls were gathered at the other end. There were some talking in small groups, and others who were wandering from group to group. Giving their input every now and then. Addison was with her friends Katauna and Faith. They were chatting about the new movie that was going to come out the next week. They had already made plans to see it opening night and if it was as good or even better than the expected they would see it again the next night. Addison wasn’t really engaging in the talk. She would give her input when they asked her or would add a comment here and there but she was mostly enjoying the heavenly cheesecake that melted in her mouth. The strawberry flavor was tangy but sweet on her tongue and she washed the piece of heaven with a cold glass of milk that ran down her throat and topped it off perfectly.
Addison glanced over at the sudden burst of laughter that came from the boys. She looked and saw that one of the boys was throwing his head back and laughing. She smiled microscopically. They’re probably talking about stupid stuff, as always, she thought.  She caught the words “football” “totally hot” and “dude” about a hundred million times. Rolling her eyes, she went back to her friends. Katauna and Faith were drooling about the gorgeous actor Scott Eastwood. She thought about the mind boggling actor and his new film. She started to think what if I got to meet him? What would Katauna and Faith say? She shook her head at the idea and went to throw her plate, fork, cup and napkin away.
As she threw her trash away, her legs gave out on her and she fell to the floor. She hit her head and passed out for a second. Addison heard a laugh, an evil laugh, and her eyes fluttered open. Her eyes slowly adjusted to the bright room. She was still in the rec room, but it looked completely different. There was smoke coming from a cauldron in the corner of the room. It fogged up the room so Addison had to squint to see clearly. Instead of the refreshments in the corner, there was a table that was set up to hold what looked like needles, different liquids, and syringes. The smell was of something sweet and tangy. Almost like the cheesecake… she thought. The smell overwhelmed the room with a rich scent that smelt like green apples. She shook her head to see if it was a dream, but when she opened her eyes again, she saw the same thing. “Hello?” she asked. “Anyone here?” Addison shrugged but then she heard a door slam. She whipped her head around to see someone coming towards her. The fog was so thick that she only could see a figure coming at her. It moved slowly. It was tall and seemed to have the figure of a woman. Finally, she saw who it was. It was a woman. She was sufficiently tall with raven black hair cascading down her back. She had high cheekbones and vibrant black eyes. She had an evil grin and when she laughed her laugh rang through the room. Addison recognized that laugh. It was the one she heard. “Um, who are you? And what the heck did you do to me and my friends? And, uh, what did you do to the rec room?” Addison blurted out. She asked questions when she was nervous. And she was really nervous.
Again the creature laughed. A cold chill went up Addison’s back. “I did nothing to this little room. It was in need of a change and I gave it one, happily.” the creature grinned her nasty grin. “As for your friends, no harm has come there way. I don’t need them.” she said. “What do you mean by you ‘don’t need them’?” Addison asked carefully. The creature grinned. “By the way, I am Saphire.” Nice name, Addison thought. Saphire walked around the room like it were her palace. She pointed over at the table with all the needles on it. “You see that?” she didn’t wait for a response. “Those are my little, instruments. Let’s call them. If you do anything wrong, you will be sent to a camp. I send you there by, how do I say this nicely, stabbing a needle into your head!” Addison gasped. Her stomach dropped five levels.
Addison started to struggle to get up. Apparently, her hands were tied behind her back. “Let me go!” she commanded. Saphire chuckled. “Oh no child. You don’t tell me what to do! I tell you what to do!” Addison struggled more and finally she got loose of her bands. She leaped to her feet. “Now, how do I get home? Tell me now!” she demanded. A flash of anger flashed across Saphire’s eyes. “What did you say?” she shouted. Addison took a step back. “Let me go.” she said evenly. Saphire looked at Addison, then at her table with needles. Addison’s eyes widened. Please no! Please no! she thought. Saphire glided over to the table. She began pouring bright purple liquid into a syringe. Addison started to panic. Her frantically looked around for an exit, but wasn’t successful. The witch approached her smiling and with the syringe, loaded, in her hand. Okay, this is just great! Just great! she thought. Saphire came to her. Addison backed into the corner of the room. All of a sudden, Addison felt her hands captured. They were being tied. She glanced over her shoulder, but saw nobody. She whipped her head around and Saphire’s grin made her skin turn cold. Saphire suddenly grabbed Addison by the neck and forced her down. “No!” Addison yelled. “Silence!” Saphire demanded. Addison struggled some more, which made the syringe whip through the air in Saphire’s hand. “That’s enough!” Saphire yelled. She finally stabbed the syringe into Addison’s neck. As soon as the syringe went into her neck, Addison went limp. Saphire smirked and pressed the purple liquid into her. Addison soon fell into a deep sleep...

4 comments:

  1. Good story with a sudden dramatic change of events. Lots of description.
    While the stereotypical "Boy Conversation" was far from accurate, the use of dialog was good. Only noticed one thing:

    "Addison started to panic. Her frantically looked around for an exit, but wasn’t successful"

    This line had a few gramatical errors. I would rephrase it to be something like:

    "Addison started to panic. She frantically looked around for an exit, but her efforts were in vain."

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  2. Nice job Audrey you are a very good writer. I really liked the details and the vocabulary that you used in the story. I really liked when you said "The strawberry flavor was tangy but sweet on her tongue and she washed the piece of heaven with a cold glass of milk that ran down her throat and topped it off perfectly". The only thing that I would change is explain when she got nocked out if it was a dream or a reality in the end. Otherwise it is amazing.

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  3. You are an outstanding writer! This piece was interesting, had detail, description and nice twist in the ending and beautiful figurative language. This would be worth writing in a longer format. Weird fix, but change the word "mutual", outside of the LDS church that wouldn't make a whole lot of sense. Maybe just say "youth group" or something. Fantastic piece, thank you for working so hard!

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  4. Wow, this is scary awesome. I think that maybe you could have explain the ending a bit more... I was a bit confused. But it was good!

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