He
rubbed his mark with two fingers. In one hand, a shadow ball grew and a
fireball in the other.
“Today
is the day, where I rule!” he shouted, and put both hands together. It crackled
of the combined force and he cackled. “Everyone will bow before me!” He raised
his hand
It
was clear what he was doing and I couldn’t just stand here and watch.
“NO!”
I screamed and leaped in front of my sister who stirred and slowly fluttered
her eyes open.
“Jake!”
she cried and screamed when she saw the villain with an evil grin on his face,
the mixed fire and shadow ball lighting up his face. “MOMMY! DADDY! Jake, don’t
let him hurt me!” she cried and grabbed my hand, squeezing it as hard as she
could.
“Sweetie!”
a voice from the other side of the house shouted and there were pounding
footsteps.
“Move
over boy!” he ordered making eye contact with me, but I held fast to my sister,
who bawled and hugged me hard.
“You
aren’t touching my sister!” I shot bravely, and pulled her into a hug; her
tearful face wetting my shirt. “You have to kill me first.”
The
murderer suddenly looked frightened and it was then when I realized the ball
was getting bigger and bigger by the minute. Before he could do anything, the
ball flew out of his hands and headed towards my sister, who screamed.
“SWEETIE!
NO!” Mom cried, and burst through the room just as he disappeared.
“NO!”
I shouted and pushed my sister to the ground as the deadly weapon hit me square
in the chest. Pain exploded all over my body and memories flew around my head
as I was lifted up in the air. My vision blurred. My heart stopped beating. I
felt myself hitting the floor. I heard my sister crying and my mom shouting at
me.
“Jake!
Jake!” my dad shouted. A hand ran down my back. Tears splashed on the back of
my head.
“Ta,”
I whispered, but before I could finish, it was all over.
In my opinion, it's better to start all the way at the beginning and read the entire prologue! Chapter 1: Roxanna, coming soon!!!!
Okay..I lied. Chapter 1: Roxanna is Posted NOW!
ReplyDeleteThis was a brilliant post that had me sitting on the edge of my seat during the time that I read it. If you were looking to improve it I would have given more descriptions of the shadow ball he had. What I mean is, was it a ball made of shadow or was it literally a ball of shadow or was it just a ball that was transparent or something and looked like it was made of shadow, because I kinda just envisioned a little purple ball. GREAT JOB
ReplyDeleteThanks for you concerns. That helps me a lot. He has a fire and shadow ball mixed together which made a glowing deep purple ball with black and red strips that moved across the ball. It was the size of grown Chihuahua and isn't see through. Does that answer your questions?
ReplyDeleteIt's coming along good--nice advice from Seth about the shadow ball. Yes, change it to the description that you wrote above:)
ReplyDeleteNice job. The excitement in the whole chapter was great. I loved the detail and, for some reason, the part were he saved his sister. It was really fantastic. I don't see much that needs corrected...
ReplyDeleteI just have one little question. The very last word Jake says is his sister's name. Do you have any idea what his sister's name is?
ReplyDelete