It was a warm afternoon and I had just gotten out of school. I was in my in my favorite tree hiding from the other students go home when I saw a strange object sticking out of the ground by the trunk of the tree. I thought to myself "How did I not see that when I was climbing up?" So I climbed back down and pulled it, it wouldn't budge so I started to dig around it. Eventually I uprooted the thing to the point to where it started to come out, but it was as stuck as a car with a flat tire. After a few minutes of using my brute strength, I finally got it out of the ground, it was a dirty old crumpled up piece of paper, at first I was bummed out because I thought it was going to be something valuable but you know me, I have the best bad luck in the world. I looked at the no-good old piece of paper and realized that it had a wax stamp on it, I opened it and saw writing, I didn't get too excited though but then I looked closer at the note and it said "Dear reader, if you're reading this then you need to grab the chest and run for your life, they will come if you broke the wax seal, they will hunt you down and kill you, run NOW!!!" I looked away from the paper and looked down the hole I just dug and and started digging and my hand hit something hard I reached down and grabbed whatever it was and pulled it out, it was a small treasure chest, it looked like something out of a pirate movie. After I pulled it out I opened the chest and there was a glowing ring, I grabbed it and put it on and looked around and noticed that I could see a little more details in the landscape. I turned around thats when I saw it. Right there about one hundred yards away from me there was a beast that was as tall as my school, with a weird creature riding it, the beast had the head of a boar and the body of a panther, the rider was a different story it had the head of a human but it’s eyes looked normal until i noticed that they were blood red! On top of that it had the body of some kind of spider! I turned around and started running for my life! I started running and I realized that I was running a little faster than I thought I could run. I turned the corner that led to my house I stopped instantly, there were five more of the enormous beasts and spider riders. I turned around and started running and I got a weird feeling in my gut, like a swarm of butterflies were flying around, then all the sudden I got a weird tingling sensation,like caterpillars crawling all over my body. I looked down and realised that my feet weren't touching the ground, and I was still rising. Then I realised that I didn't know how to go down. Then I started to go up faster, after about 30 seconds I could barely see the beasts, and believe me, they were as big as a house! Then out of nowhere I started to fall.(There will be more on a future post)
I thought this was very good! It was very descriptive. But the only thing I would like to say is that sometimes, it was so descriptive I lost where I was in the plot!
ReplyDeleteEthan, is this your revision for your December post? Good start for sure, nice descriptions but I agree with Lainie that you've got to balance more with your plot. Also, all your sentences have "I" in them. Change up your narrative more. You are an excellent reader, think about what authors do that you like and emulate them. I'll look forward to your next post.
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