Friday, December 12, 2014

December Post (revision)

Where am I?
           I wake up, my cold breath and breathing heavy. I don’t remember going to sleep. I look around, the wall paper peeling itself off the walls. My mirror was shattered and all the drawers on my armoire are pulled open and tattered through. I look in what’s left of the mirror, my hair looks like a rat’s nest and my clothes look forever old. Where am I? Who am I? I ask myself those questions. I don’t remember the answer, and I don’t know how old I am.


         By observation, I look like I am an older teen. I’m not sure though. I am in a house, an old rickety house. I go out the door, and see pink ripped carpet down a long hallway. I hear something, a whine, a pout. I look around and I see a poor dog. He is very skinny, and I pour out my arm to let him sniff me. He sniffed me and he got closer. He was a small bony Beagle. I petted him, started walking, and he followed me. I looked at his collar, and saw the name “Duke.” I called his name, and he came to me.


     I look around, to what seems to be a house. An incredibly old house with cobwebs and creaky floors. I see paintings on the wall as I stroll down the hallway. It’s me. This is my house. I suddenly remember- this is my house, my dog, my room, my bed, me. This is all mine. But what happened? I go into my room and see “Get Well Soon” cards. I look inside them the fuchsia colored one says, “Please get well soon. I’ll be right by your side when you wake up.” When I wake up? What does that mean?


     I realize that I was in a coma. I have no idea how long I was gone but long enough to make this house fall apart. I don’t know why everything in my house is abandoned, though, so I am in full confusion. My thoughts overwhelm me. I look for water. My stomach aches for something. I go outside, and see complete blankness. Everything is white. No colors, no pretty views, no feelings. White. Blank. Empty. Where am I?

6 comments:

  1. It was a really good story. There were many positive things about it. I really liked how you described everything. When you would say stuff like "my stomach aches for something". I thought that was pretty good, I can't think of anything to say that you did wrong, just keep it up.

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  2. Good job Baylee! I loved your story. However, I would add more details about the dog. That is really the only thing I would recommend.

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  3. Yea, I forgot to mention that he was a beagle so I need to fix that.

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  4. Nice job Baylee it was a really good. I really liked the way you described everything it put a really good picture in my head. I liked when you said at the beginning of the third paragraph "An incredibly old house with cobwebs and creaky floors. The only thing that I would have done is made it a little longer, because it was so good I would have liked to have read more. Otherwise everything was perfect.

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  5. Excellent observations from your classmates:) I like it too but I want you to take it up a notch. Increase your descriptions and add similes and metaphors to add depth. This could be a great piece with some work:) Keep it up!

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