My Biggest Adventure
By: Matthew Van Gils
I was going to Alaska with my dad, grandpa, and uncle.
I was so excited.
When we got there we went fishing.
We fished a lot.
And we fished some more.
But on a nice sunny day we hiked.
We started our hike.
Everything was so beautiful.
Then we started to see fish bones.
There were fish bones everywhere.
Gross, disgusting fish bones.
We could see bears in the distance.
But then we saw a baby bear.
A cute cuddly baby bear.
The baby bear ran right in front of us.
But wait, where was it’s mamma?
We see a huge mamma bear walk right in front of us.
She was about 10 feet away.
Hard not to run, hard to be calm.
My heart was beating like a drum.
We backed off, and we were all ok.
That was the day of my Biggest Adventure.
I really liked it. I was kind of confused though and I kind of got lost. If you add a little more action and it would be much better. Keep up the great work, can't wait to hear more.
ReplyDeleteNice job Matt it was awesome. I really liked the way you described everything. I liked the most when you described the gross disgusting fish bones and the baby bear. The only thing that I would change is the font it's a little crazy, but other wises everything is perfect.
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ReplyDeleteWhoops :)
DeleteI don't know what happened there, so I guess I'll have to type this all over again. Great job on this story, I loved the descriptions and it really brought out a picture in my head. However, the story is kind-a rushed and really just jumps from one small topic to another, so I would extend out each section of it to make them a little longer. Other than that, Great job!
ReplyDeleteOk, I see where you made a couple of changes but I'd like to see you take this up a notch. This is not working as a poem--you need more vivid, unique description. I'd like to see you revise and make it a short story. You have some awesomely big events here--give them the credit they deserve by expanding your writing to describe them better. I'll look forward to seeing it again soon:)
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