“Today
is the day, where I rule!” he shouted, and put both hands together. The ball was the size of a grown Chihuahua that glowed deep
purple ball with black and red strips that moved across the ball. It crackled
of the combined force and he cackled. “Everyone will bow before me!” He raised
his hands.
It
was clear what he was doing and I couldn’t just stand here and watch.
“NO!”
I screamed and leaped in front of my sister who stirred and slowly fluttered
her eyes open.
“Jake!”
she cried and screamed when she saw the villain with an evil grin on his face,
the mixed fire and shadow ball lighting up his face. “MOMMY! DADDY! Jake, don’t
let him hurt me!” she cried and grabbed my hand, squeezing it as hard as she
could.
“Sweetie!”
a voice from the other side of the house shouted and there were pounding
footsteps.
“Move
over boy!” he ordered making eye contact with me, but I held fast to my sister,
who bawled and hugged me hard.
“You
aren’t touching my sister!” I shot bravely, and pulled her into a hug; her
tearful face wetting my shirt. “You have to kill me first.”
The
murderer suddenly looked frightened and it was then when I realized the ball
was getting bigger and bigger by the minute. Before he could do anything, the
ball flew out of his hands and headed towards my sister, who screamed.
“SWEETIE!
NO!” Mom cried, and burst through the room just as he disappeared.
“NO!”
I shouted and pushed my sister to the ground as the deadly weapon hit me square
in the chest. Pain exploded all over my body and memories flew around my head
as I was lifted up in the air. My vision blurred. My heart stopped beating. I
felt myself hitting the floor. I heard my sister crying and my mom shouting at
me.
“Jake!
Jake!” my dad shouted. A hand ran down my back. Tears splashed on the back of
my head.
“Ta,”
I whispered, but before I could finish, it was all over.
Really cool! I like how you organized your story. Exited for more!
ReplyDelete(By the way, its REBEE not REEBEE)
Great Job! I loved the detail and the unusual descriptive words in your story. Although, be sure to make sure that you capitalize the first letter in each sentence, I may have found some mistakes like that. Keep up the great work!
ReplyDeleteYes very good job! You made each characters personalities very distinct. I agree with Locklin. There are a few capitalization errors and you could maybe blend a couple of your sentences as well.
ReplyDeleteGood job. I really liked reading this and I honest can see it out on in bookstores later on when you finish. I didn't really see much errors reading this. I really liked it and I can't wait to hear more :)
ReplyDeleteThanks everybody!!!!!!! You guys are all awesome and I'm thankful for your responses!!!! I will re-REvise this again so please comment on that so I know if it need to fix this anymore!!!!!!!!! Thanks again!!!
ReplyDelete-Rebekah
Such excellent writing, I can see how you are improving more and more with each revision. I like that you can write an intense scene then add such fun similes, like "a ball the size of a grown Chihuahua." My suggestions now take on a broader vision, let's see how these pieces of writing connect as a whole. Do you have an outline for the novel? Let's visit about this:)
ReplyDelete