My Biggest Adventure
By: Matthew Van Gils
I was going to Alaska with my dad, grandpa, and uncle.
I was so excited.
When we got there we went fishing.
We fished a lot.
And we fished some more.
But on a nice sunny day we hiked.
We started our hike.
Everything was so beautiful.
Then we started to see fish bones.
There were fish bones everywhere.
We could see bears in the distance.
But then we saw a baby bear.
A cute baby bear.
A baby bear ran right in front of us.
But wait, where was it’s mom?
We see a huge momma bear walk right in front of us.
She was about 10 feet away.
Hard not to run, hard to be calm.
My heart was beating like a drum.
We backed off, and we were all ok.
That was the day of my Biggest Adventure.
Great job explaining your biggest adventure. In my mind, more description would look great. Also, after A cute baby bear, you said a baby bear ran right in front of us...it's supposed to be THE baby bear ran right in front of us. That way the reader doesn't think there's more than one baby bear. Gr8 job!!!
ReplyDeletegood job Matt! I also think that you could of added a little more description. But besides that, I loved it!
ReplyDeleteI thought that it was really good. I only wish that it were longer and a bit more descriptive. You did awesome Matt.
ReplyDeleteYou did an amazing job! I think that more details would have been nice though. I loved it though. Great job!
ReplyDeleteGood start--this experience is worth expanding into a short story, rather than a poem. As you revise, think about what you felt, saw, heard, smelled, etc. Add A LOT of detail and description to really make the story come alive for your reader:)
ReplyDeleteI think you did a great job! I also think that you needed more detail though. I would like to know more than just fishing and more about the bear incident.
ReplyDeleteGreat job I liked it it needs more detail and longer but other than that it is great.
ReplyDelete