Journey To The Center Of The Earth

(December Post Revision)

On Rocktober 33, 4200, a man named Mr. Dude was eating faucets in a cup of beans. Mr. Dude is a 31.37215839 year old man who really likes to eat faucets. Faucets were his absolute favorite food and it would be absolutely devastating to not have them. He took out his green pencil to check the news and something terrible happened. Here is what it said. “The faucet company has made a new rule declaring it illegal to eat more than 72 faucets a day. If caught, you have to pay a 334456724 eraser fine and have 43.5768295 years in prison.” Mr. Dude was all like, “NOOOOOOOOOO!” He had to do something. He could not live without eating all the faucets he wants. Then he came up with an awesome idea. If I want to get rid of the law, I would have to take over the faucet company! And then he died. Next morning he was alive again. But how am I going to do that? Then it came to him. I have to get to the center of the Earth! But he couldn’t do it alone, it would be too boring. He exited his cup of beans using his magic chair leg. Who should I bring along with me? An ice cream? Nah. A person? No. A green drug free wristband thingy? Nope. A Monopoly 10 eraser bill? Perfect. So he set off towards the grocery store with Mr. Eraser the Monopoly 10 eraser bill.

“Can I have a faucet?” said Mr. Eraser.

“No way! These are my faucets!”

“But you aren’t even eating them!”

“I can’t, we have to get to the center of the earth and there is a limit!”

They entered the grocery store and found the perfect place to start. It was right next to the ceiling and 1.2655 sideways bookshelves next to the cardboard marshmallows.

“Okay Mr. Eraser, this is it.”

“This is so exciting!”

“Yep but don’t get too enthusiastic, our plan might fail.”

“Yeah, I do have this feeling that we are forgetting something.”

“You are.” said the store manager. “You forgot your pencil.”

So Mr. Dude used his magic chair leg and entered his cup of beans and looked around for a bit.

“Here it is.”

“Yay!” exclaimed Mr. Eraser.

So with the magic chair leg, they exited the cup of beans and were back in the store. Mr. Dude was ready to begin.

“How are you going to get there?” asked Mr. Eraser.

“Simple, by eating faucets.”

“Oh, that makes sense.”

Mr. Dude ate a faucet and a one mile hole with a diameter of 3 sideways bookshelves long.

“Geronimo!” yells Mr. Dude as he jumps down.

Mr. Dude and Mr. Eraser use their hover couches to get down through the first mile of the Earth’s crust. Mr. Dude ate another faucet and another mile was uncovered. He then ate twenty three more faucets. They entered the mantle. Magma was everywhere, except in the hole.

“This is stupid.” said Mr. Eraser. “It’s really boring. It’s not like we didn’t already know exactly what was down here.”

“Don’t worry, it stops being boring when you get 27 miles down.” He ate another faucet. “You would think going through molten rock would be fun. Luckily it will be fun soon, though.” He ate another faucet. “Yay! It’s not boring anymore. You know, I’m really surprised no one has tried this before, I mean, it’s really not that hard.”

“Yeah, and do you know where all this area we are clearing is going?” asked Mr. Eraser.

“Who cares, it’s not like it’s replacing the atmosphere and going to destroy the Earth and make it the perfect time for The Resisty to undo it’s ‘shrinky self-destruct’ and try to escape Earth and have to destroy the so called ‘atmosphere’ causing it to fall to ground crushing everything, and don’t even ask me how that works.”

“The Resisty is a stupid name. They so should have gone with the name Pirate Monkeys. And why would it be the perfect time for them to escape?”

“Don’t ask me, I said that it wouldn’t happen.”

“True, but if the Mantle is 1800 miles thick, how are we going to get through it if you can only eat 72 faucets a day?”

“Oh crap.”

After eating 46 more faucets they started going back up.

“Does it seem darker to you?” asked Mr. Eraser.

“Well no dip, of course it’s darker. It’s 143.5786921 o’crick!”

“Oh. And why are we going up anyways? We don’t need to go up to use the magic chair leg.”

“Good idea.”

So they entered the cup of beans and died. Next morning they came back alive and looked at the news on Mr. Dude’s pencil. “The faucet company has won the award for the most awesome law ever in the history of everness. Also, part of the atmosphere was replaced by stone and lava. But who cares about that, it’s not like the atmosphere and going to destroy the Earth and make it the perfect time for The Resisty to undo it’s ‘shrinky self-destruct’ and try to escape Earth and have to destroy the so called ‘atmosphere’ causing it to fall to ground crushing everything.”

“Of course not, why would that happen? And how did they get that award?” asked Mr. Eraser.

“Because Mr. Scervierugh the seventeenth decided to eat a carrot.”

“Oh, that makes sense.”

“So how are we going to do this if we can only eat 72 faucets a day.” asked Mr. Dude as they went to the bottom of the hole.

“Well you could let me have some faucets.”

“No, I am not letting you have any of my faucets.”

“There is that new thing that came out that makes it so days go by as soon as you eat 72 faucets.”

“…Uh, what? Seriously?”

“No! Of course not! How stupid are you?”

Mr. Dude’s pencil showed an alert, coincidentally right after he said that. “New device that makes days go by as soon as you eat 72 faucets.”

“…What? Did that just happen? That has to be the most-“

“Oh that, I invented that last night when you were dead.”

“I am not falling for another of your-“

“It was invented by the genius inventor named Mr. Eraser.” said the pencil.

“So you’re saying I can eat 3888 faucets nonstop.”

“Yep.”

So Mr. Dude started consuming enormous of faucets and finally passed the mantle layer. They then entered the outer core. Only 2200 miles to go.

“And now it’s boring again.” said Mr. Eraser.

“One more mile to go before it’s fun again.”

“You can make some homemade faucets right here and now because we are surrounded by nickel and iron.”

So they made homemade faucets.

“These faucets are officially the more terribleness faucets I have ever eaten.”

“They are super terribleness, and so is the properest grammar in the engrish ranguage.”

The pencil showed another alert. “The faucet company has made a new law that says you can only use the new faucet eating invention 54 times max.”

“NOOOOOOOOO! That stupid faucet company.”

“And if I were you,” the pencil said, “I would use that 55 times if I got a Klondike bar, and good news, they have faucet flavor Klondike bars now.” And then Mr. Dude realized something. They forgot to use their homemade faucets to go further, but they still counted as eating faucets.

“Oh no, we ate eight faucets, hopefully we can still make it.”

So they ate more and more faucets, and found the inner core. Everything was solid except the hole they are in.

“800 miles to go.” Exclaimed Mr. Dude.

They ate more and more faucets until they are eight tenths a mile from the center, but they ate exactly all the faucets they could eat that day.

“So close…” said Mr. Dude.

“I can’t wait another day. I just can’t.”

Then a bunch of police with pickle hats came down.

“You are under arrest because the faucet company says so.”

“You’ll never take us alive!” yelled Mr. Dude while he ate .8th a faucet. The center of the Earth opened up and revealed a half-eaten pretzel. The police with pickle hats were sent to Oblivion because the pretzel said so.

“Welcome to the center of the Earth.” Meowed the pretzel. “I will now summon The Resisty.” And The Resisty was enlarged and unexploded, the reversed version of the shrinky self-destruct. “Now Resisty, this is your chance to escape. Also, Mr. Dude now possesses the power to take over the faucet company.”

“Alright I’ve been thinking,” said the captain of the Resisty. “When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade, make life, take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your dang lemons! What am I supposed to with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day, it thought it could give The Resisty lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s gonna burn your house down! With the Lemons! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down! Also I want The Resisty to be called the Pirate Monkeys for now on.”

The Pirate Monkeys boarded their spaceship and flew out, followed by Mr. Dude and Mr. Eraser. The Pirate Monkeys exited the hole in the grocery store, ripped open the ceiling and started shooting lasers at the ‘atmosphere’. It started breaking and falling down on the Earth like a chain reaction. The molten iron and nickel fell everywhere on North America, except Canada, which didn’t get harmed at all. Asia and Europe completely died, and the rest of the continents had been obliterated. The Earth had been ruined by all the rocks, lava, and molten metals. Mr. Dude went to the destroyed faucet company and claimed his rightful place as owner. Sadly Mr. Eraser got put back into the Monopoly box. But in the distance you can see the Pirate Monkeys flying off into space.

This was the news on Rockvember 1, 4200. “Yesterday was a great day for all, as the faucet company was made good again. Mr. Dude, head of the faucet company got rid of the old stupid rules, and is letting anyone eat any amount of faucets they want. He is also going to cause the world to reach absolute zero, causing candy wrappers to fall down on everyone.”